Population 2 - Our New World

I've googled it. I've mapquested it. I've done all the research I can. I've tried to find out everything I can about this transitional place my wife and I have been recently relocated to.

Yep. To some, reading this will bring chuckles as you recall your own personal journey to this land. To others, who haven't restructured their lives in order to visit yet, we might get nothing more than a naïve, yet polite "hhmm" from you. But, just wait. We've already picked out a place and put your name on it.

And it seems we got here a lot faster than anticipated too; nearly a month ahead of everything the Yahoo directions indicated. So quickly in fact, that when we pulled in I was barely able to read the city limit sign as we were whisked by. In fact, when I get time, I might just head back out and see just exactly where in the heck we are - you, know….just to make sure and all.

But thank God it appears we aren't the only ones who have had the joy of being moved here recently. There are other familiar faces running around. And a few others have notified us that they are on their way. That will help. Being alone in this new place would have been totally insane. But with some friendlies out there, the "totally insane" will hopefully crank down a notch or two to just "crazy".

Now, I do have to admit, we've done a lot of reading about this place cause we kind of thought this might just happen. Funny thing is you could categorize the readings as a "foreign dramatic horror of comedy" because while reading about others adventures to this place you laugh, you cry, you freak out, and you scream. Finally, you end up in a weird trance of sorts when you realize just how close you are to taking your turn in this world of funny people.

Yep, and that's when panic takes over. You realize your number has been called and you are leaving before the grandfather clock needs winding again. And that panic leads to complete retardation. I mean stupidity reigns like no other.

Realizing that your world is going to be turned upside down once you get here, you just get dumb. You start putting on your pants backwards, do dumb things like drain the pool in the summer, or use a mower to get the snow off the driveway. Other nutty things happen too – suddenly you change your name to Ted, you start having coffee in your cereal and all you think about all day is laying down that night and getting back to your reading of the latest edition of Webster's dictionary (what a thriller). I still ask myself everyday why in the world I'd throw away one shoe from every pair I have…

But that was all before we actually arrived. It’s when we got here that things really got nutts. Though we haven't been here long, this place has some very strange people with very identifiable traits. Things you don't see, hear, smell, or experience anywhere else.

The language itself sets it apart. I mean there is more babble going on around here than you'd hear at a "speaking in tongues" training convention at Oral Roberts University. At times you'll actually make out a word here and there but for the most part, these people have to be speaking in the spirit, and someone forgot to bring the interpreter.

On top of that, there are people running around this place either halfway or in many cases completely naked. And I do mean running. It's just stupid. And like no other place on earth, if they are dressed, they can't wait to throw off their clothes and get naked. It's an obsession I tell you. They will strip down and just start laughing like maniacs. Very uncomfortable, yet kinda funny too.

Eating is another adventure here. For some reason most of the people here just don’t know how to eat without getting it all over themselves, their neighbor, their dogs, their chairs not to mention all of the leftovers they try and store in their hair. Food can be found months later, crammed inside seat cushions of cars, hidden in drawers and more crazy places. What’s even better is how much some of them love dog food for their source of protein. By the mouthfulls, too. Yuck.

As far as entertainment goes there isn’t time for much. TVO keeps life somewhat in order and we have to have “catch-up nights” for our fills of “24”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “King of Queens” or the latest sporting event I hoped to watch live but missed because of a missing blanket someone is freaking out over. But there just isn’t much time, and besides the people here are simple. They like two or three TV shows or DVDs and they want them played all the time and every time. Over, and over, and over, and over….

Drama and self-centered ideology is the name of the game. But fits of crying and rage run a close second. Anger management support groups would thrive like there is no tomorrow. When people get mad here, they throw crap, hit, bite, or they do what all of us normal people highly suggest and just throw themselves down on the floor. Doesn't matter if it's at home, in the bank, at Target, while at dinner, or even church. "If I'm ticked…..I'm going to the ground!" is their moto.

The one thing I find the most interesting is the lack of fear of harm the people that dwell here have when it comes to trying to do something. I mean, if there is something to climb, stand on, lift, carry or run with, these people do it to the point of personal injury. Sometimes over and over again, day after day. If they are stopped or not allowed to pursue this activity see the paragraph above for their reaction.

The most unreal thing that makes this place so wild is what I call the "poop factor". Nowhere else on this planet will you find as many people, boys and girls, in one place as are here running around with poop either in their pants, or in some horrific cases, actually coming out of their pants. It is unbelievable….and just for kicks, they do something to it that greatly enhances the smell of their poop as well. It's deadly, it's small and it lingers sometimes for days. It’s not normal poop.

Despite all of this. For some unknown reason, we like it here. We haven’t been here long and we aren’t sure how long we’ll be or if we will ever come back once we leave, but it grows on you in a weird kind of way. These people just seem to get you hooked in.

They laugh and laugh and laugh at things over and over again. They giggle like mad, which always evokes laughter in return. They like to poke you in the eye or in the bellybutton and then laugh or wait for your own Pillsbury "ooohoo" which always gets them rolling. They love to play hide and seek, or the "scare 'em" game. Reading a page or two from 10 books in 10 minutes is at the top of the list as well. And all of this takes place with lots of "Engble" mixed in. (That’s the term I have given to the combined languages used here of English and Babble).

There is lots of laughter and joy in this new world we now reside in. Despite all the poop, the drama, the food issues, the same TV shows over and over, the selfishness and emotional neediness, these people are actually a ton of fun to spend time with. They crack you up. Every hour there is something new and you are always either on edge, laughing or observing in amazement. It keeps you on your toes.

And, if you're lucky enough, at the end of the day, one of these people will raise their arms and asked to be picked up and held. Or, they will simply crawl up in your lap and just quietly go to sleep.

It's a neat, crazy place. You need to try it sometime.

Anyway, I gotta run. Someone just fell down trying to stand on a ball….go figure.

Oh yea, I actually remember the sign we flew by on the way in….it simply read -

"Welcome to Toddlerville….Population 2.”
Home of the Speers Twins - Sidney and Chloe


"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

© 2006, J. Brady
"I say it how I see it and I make no bones about it."