This was it. Her body was telling her today would be the day.
For months and weeks she has been emotionally spent. She had done this a few times before. But this time it was different. The end wouldn’t be the same and somehow she had started to accept that as heartbreaking as it would be.
Drained. Sad. Worried. Ashamed. She didn’t intend for this to happen but neither did she intend to end what had been started within her. So many haven’t understood why she didn’t just kill it and be done. Life would go back to normal and this would be over. But she just couldn’t. Something inside was telling her other things.
At night in her mind she would hear God speaking to her; “It’s going to be alight. I am with you” and “I have a plan for him and he must survive” or “he is my precious creation and you are my precious child…you are both mine and I will never forsake you”. But nothing moved her more when she would often hear him say “I will take care of him, just watch what I do”.
But still she wondered.
“Who would he be? What would he do? Would he be anything like me?” she wondered. “Where would he be taken….America? Australia? England or somewhere here in the homeland? Will he look like my others? Would he ever know me or even want to know me? Would his family despise me? Should I even try and find out after all of this is over as the years go on? Will they truly love and care for him?”
Her mind never stopped.
“Oh God! Please. I beg of you. If he must be taken away please let it be as you have said!” Often she would sobbingly scream this into her pillow at night. Her thoughts all alone. Her husband and the baby’s father nearby but with few words of his own to say. He too was at a loss. Speechless. This was really happening. His mind spinning with so many uncertainties, pain and fear.
She just couldn’t bear to think about what was about to happen. He would be gone forever.
But he would be alive and today would be the day.
The day when hope and healing begins.
She didn’t even have the stability or mindset to name him that day. Her heart was so heavy and her mind was so numb. Honestly, she was just ready for this all to be over. Her heart was breaking with every minute that passed knowing her days with him were coming to an end. Her belly had moved one final time. Her last lullaby had been sung.
Today would be the day.
It all happened in a flash. Doctors frantically trying to save him and start the life she had promised God she would give him. He was born early and he had to have emergency surgery just to make sure he didn’t die. Even then she heard those soft words telling her “I will take care of him. Just watch what I do.”
She heard the nurses name him “Seong Wook” which means “calm, rising sun”. That made her cry even more. What a perfect name. She was sad that I could not think of it but joyful that God was already making his promises come true. She said a quick prayer that he would be loved and that he would be wise.
She faded out of consciousness as her body was done. Rest consumed her and the weight of the last 8 months finally hit her. Peace. It was over. She had done what she believed was right. What was right for that little boy. Her little boy.
She had given him life and she was and is our little one’s hero. God said He would do the rest because God is God and God is good. And He has help his promise and answered her prayer.
Our son is Quinn Seong Wook Speers. He is loved and his name means “wise”. He is now 7.
We knew we would one day have a son whose birth we would forever celebrate.
Today would be the day.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13
(c) 2014 J. Brady Speers
I Say It How I See It and I Make No Bones About It